FINAL SIX: THE SIX BEST & WORST WAYS TO GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND INTO METAL

You really like this one. She’s killer; she’s hot, sweet, and really into you. She trusts you, she fawns over you, and she knows what you like in the sack—she’s the lady of your dreams. But she will not. Stop. Listening. To that fucking Shania Twain song. Every day, every goddamn day, she softly hums “That Don’t Impress Me Much” at you across the breakfast table, and you want to strangle a puppy, stuff it with porno, and set it on fire. Sometimes you have to go listen to Red Harvest for three hours just to calm yourself down—but the last time you did that, you found one of her Dave Matthews albums uploaded on your computer. This shit is dire. A change must be made.

There are things about women’s music that us men will never understand (two and a half words: Ani DiFranco). Metal is the music of the Dude, sure, and often chicks don’t really look into it, resulting in metal dudes with girlfriends who see metal as ridiculous and uninteresting. But here’s the thing—your girlfriend would be totally fucking down if you just introduced her to the genre, because hey, chicks are smart and generally have good taste, and let’s not forget the First Rule of Metal: Metal Is Fucking Awesome. So to help the gentlemen on this website (I see ya there, Man-Tits), here are the Six Best and Worst Ways To Get Your Girlfriend Into Metal.

The Six Best Ways To Get Your Girlfriend Into Metal

1) Pepper that shit in Start with a single song or two between chiller choices. In the car, listening to music that you both like, ask if you can play her “something I think you’ll really like.” Ask her about it as the song plays.

2) Show her that chicks rock, too Maybe your lady won’t love Arch Enemy or Landmine Marathon, but she’ll appreciate that their grunt-and-growl vocalists are women. Metal is about attitude and power—women can embody that.

3) Bite the bullet and share Look, soldier, you’re strong. You’re powerful. You can stand listening to some Neutral Milk Hotel. Offer to listen to some of her music, too. Trade mix tapes. C’mon, dude, it’ll be worth it when she’s borrowing your Carcass CDs.

4) Take her to a show A lot of the excitement and power of metal can’t be completely displayed with a recording—sometimes you just have to jump in the pit and sweat your ass off. Bring you girl out to a show and let her see the frenzy of it all—just make sure she doesn’t get popped in the face.

5) Have your sense of humor out Metal is fucking ridiculous, yes, which makes some people dismiss it. Be self-aware—take a moment to say that yeah, Manowar are awesome, but Jesus, look at ’em. Be ready to laugh at yourself.

6) Play it when she’s pissed Show her what it’s all about. If she gets in the car and tells you she had the worst day of her life at work, throw on some Slayer and let her scream it out. She’ll thank you later.

The Six Worst Ways To Get Your Girlfriend Into Metal

1) Start things too extreme If your lady is reticent about metal, throwing on a Hate Eternal album or jamming a Cannibal Corpse record sleeve into her hands might not be the best idea. Ease her into things; don’t get too heavy without warning.

2) Expect her to dude-out Getting her into metal does not mean sharing every super-metal activity with her. Maybe you want to shotgun tall boys and rip your shirt off, but she might not gonna be all that into the idea. Respect her femininity.

3) Make her feel stupid No one likes to be belittled, but it’s especially bad when someone belittles you about something as trivial as who replaced the Hoffman brothers on the latest Deicide albums. Instead, teach her the story of metal: “OK, so Ozzy leaves Sabbath…” Educate, don’t ostracize.

4) Laugh too hard at yourself Don’t underplay how cool this shit is, man. It’s one thing to laugh at being a metalhead occasionally—brutal, tr00, corpse paint, Manowar, ha ha fucking ha—but if you act like it’s all a complete joke, she’ll never take it seriously as a part of your life. Stand by your hesherdom!

5) Discourage her choices Look, OK, she’s really into Nightwish for a month or so. Let it go. Better she listen to metal you dislike than listen to shitty pop music.

6) Ruin the moment If your lady isn’t into metal, she won’t appreciate it when you try to get her to like Darkthrone on Valentine’s Day or at dinner with her folks. There’s a time and a place, man.

By serial monogamist killer Chris Krovatin