FINAL SIX: THE SIX SUMMER FESTIVAL DO’S/DON’TS

For metalheads, summer means one thing above all—festival season. It’s time to load up the car, toss on a sleeveless T-shirt, and drive to the nearest amphitheatre to spend an entire day watching one band after another take the stage and rock your taint off with stops for stand-shopping, petition-signing, and beer-drinking throughout.

And yet, no matter how fun it is to be out amongst your metal brethren for an entire afternoon, it’s also unspeakably tiring and incredibly bizarre. After 12 hours of drinking, most people get strange and emotional—metalheads, however, can get irritable and volatile. So to keep some festival-goers from losing their cool or getting their Cradle of Filth thong panties in a bunch, here’s my Final Six list of the Six Summer Festival Do’s and Don’ts. Approach me at this summer’s Rockstar Mayhem Festival with a printed copy of this entry, and I’ll buy you a beer.

The Six Summer Festival Do’s:

1) Hydrate hydrate hydrate Between heat, movement, and alcohol consumption, the average body loses a ton of water, and fainting in the middle of a busy crowd is never helpful. Drink tons of water, all the time.
2) Get a running order Try to download and print a band schedule online; if not, ask around and map one out. Nothing’s worse than sitting through a mediocre metalcore set to find out you missed the impromptu Misfits reunion a hundred yards away.
3) Wear comfy shoes My first year at Wacken Open Air, I nearly missed Cannibal Corpse because my feet hurt so much. Get insoles, padded socks, the works.
4) Bring sunblock Fuck the forecast—better safe than sorry. Maybe it’s just because I’m Irish, but I cook like a steak at every festival I attend. Trust me—peeling skin ain’t hot.
5) Share your pot Now, don’t get me wrong, mooches await at every corner, but if you meet someone nice and they’re out of weed, give ’em a hit or two of yours. Sharing is caring, and it’s always better to be high with company.
6) Remember where you parked We’re…I think we’re in Section A…No, wait, this is way too close to the entrance…Damn it, why does everyone own a black Accord?

The Six Summer Festival Don’ts:

1) Get drunk immediately Jäger shots and Slayer go hand in hand, but it’s noon. Slayer go on at 10. Pace yourself. Otherwise, we get to smell your vomit cooking in the hot sun all afternoon.
2) Fall asleep in public If you’re that tired or drunk, go back to the car. If you fall asleep on a bench or in a ditch, you’re gonna pay for it—Sharpie, garbage, urine, you name it, it’ll be on you when you wake up.
3) Wear anything nice As good as your new corset or collar might look, it’ll probably end up covered in sweat, ketchup, blood, mud, beer, and ash by the time the day is through. A T-shirt and jeans should be enough.
4) Buy the first stuff you see Wow, isn’t this Behemoth shirt cool? God, I’m so glad I…Wait, that stand has this shirt, too! And for 12 bucks less?! Gee, guess I’m a complete and utter fucking moron, huh?
5) Hold it Look, I know the bathrooms look like the kind of place where G.G. Allin and Courtney Love would have sex, but your options at this point are that you’re either gonna be super-uncomfortable all day or you’re gonna crap your pants in public. (I’ve seen both happen.) Swallow your pride (and gorge) and just drop that deuce.
6) Whine Aw, you’re thirsty? Sunburned? Shitfaced by 2:30? Well, guess who has two thumbs and no sympathy whatsoever for your bitch ass? THIS GUY! SO PUT A SOCK IT, CLARENCE!

By Chris Krovatin