FINAL SIX: THE MOST & LEAST METAL ANIMALS

You ever heard of a mantis shrimp? Dude. Neither a mantis nor a shrimp, this rainbow-colored crustacean looks like horror defined. This is primarily because of its claw—a mantis-like appendage used for either A) slicing its prey in half, or B) smashing its prey to smithereens. I’m serious—watch the YouTube video below and try not to worry. It beats its food over and over until it dies. These things have been known to smash aquarium glass with a single strike. The ancient Assyrians called them “sea locusts,” and divers know them as “thumb splitters” (guess why). This multi-colored monster is truly evil. If a mantis shrimp were the size of a cow, it would conquer the world.

Nature is more metal than anything else in this world. No Lovecraft or Romero could ever think up something as twisted and hideous as the things that Mother Earth has spewed forth. People always refer to the “beast inside” or the “animal within” when discussing man’s true nature, and with good reason—animals live on pure instinct, without emotion getting in the way. Animals are basically people, or creatures like people, only designed without all of the bullshit. It’s both admirable and terrifying. So to honor my planet and the super-fucking-metal creatures it supports, I give you my Six Most and Least Metal Animals. I am metal, hear me roar.

The Six Most Metal Animals

1) The Wolf Viking berserkers didn’t wear tiger skins, and the founders of Rome didn’t suckle from a turtle (yeah, I know tigers aren’t from Norway and turtles don’t have tits). Forever a symbol of all things metal—ferocity, loyalty, nobility, survival instinct—the wolf remains the most metal animal of all.

2) The Rattlesnake Snakes are generally metal as fuck—they’re poisonous, they can unhinge their jaw, they squeeze things to death—but the rattlesnake is the most iconic, and honestly, it rocks a blast beat to let you know it’s about to kill you. Damn.

3) The Tiger Shark Yeah, yeah—why not a Great White? Here’s the thing: when a Tiger Shark is pregnant, she has a number of fetuses (feti?). Then, one of them eats the others. That’s right—this thing kills other things (its brothers and sister, in fact) when it’s just a fucking fetus stil in the womb! Hands down the winner between the two.

4) The Rhinoceros This animal has a massive horn made of hair at the end of its nose, armor-like skin, and the ability to charge with all the strength of an Exodus track. All the matadors in the world wouldn’t stand a chance.

5) The Goat Though not necessarily metal in behavior, the goat will always be the creepily-eyed, cloven-hoofed steed of Satan, and for that, we have to include it on this list. Plus, goats have fucking MASSIVE balls. Have you ever seen a goat’s balls? Huge.

6) The Giant Squid Vast, ancient, strange, rare, and vicious—the giant squid is without a doubt the most disturbing creature on this list. Simply put, if you run into one of these in the water, you’re fucked. Over. Donezo.

The Six Least Metal Animals

1) The Guinea Pig Guinea pigs don’t exist in the wild—they’re a freak bastardization of a bunch of similar rodents—but the animals like that that DO exist in the wild are prey animals. As in, they’re just food for more metal things. Hey, even nature needs burritos.

2) The Flamingo This massive pink bird can’t kick like an ostrich, eat algae and shrimp (hence the pink), and can’t do much except stand on one foot and look like a dumbass. Classic.

3) The Axolotl You only have to look at this animal to see why it’s not metal. The axolotl is a neotenic mole salamander with oxygenating pink gill stalks coming off of the back of its head. Complex, fascinating, and ultimately lame as Hell.

4) The Katydid This harmless, leaf-like animal has all the cuteness of butterflies with none of the majesty. The only things katydids are good for is Groucho Marx jokes about what Katy didn’t do.

5) The Chihuahua What the fuck is with the current pro-Chihuahua fad? There are these fucking Chihuahua movies everywhere. Didn’t we agree that these dogs are hideous and obnoxious? Was there a discussion I was left out of? Anyway, yeah. Small dogs suck, but Chihuahuas are specifically abhorrent.

6) The Dove: White as snow and symbolic of peace. Need I say more?


By editorial intern Chris Krovatin