FINAL SIX: THE SIX MOST AWESOME & OBNOXIOUS METAL STAGE MOVES

By editorial intern Chris Krovatin

At the Revolver Golden Gods, I had the privilege of seeing my first (albeit short) Suicide Silence set. Now, while the entire band is awesome, and their music weighs approximately a metric assload, it was the bodily undulations of frontman Mitch Lucker that really got my ass twitching in awe. Lucker managed to flicker, spasm, lurch, and shimmy his way through the band’s performance like a scarecrow with Parkinson’s, making his corporeal form mimic the brutal and technical music his band was pounding out. Think of Edward Scissorhands trying to master the prom scene in Grease—that’s how cool it was. (I later learned, to my great amusement, that his crucifixion pose is called the ‘Panteradactyl,’ which is fucking fantastic.)

As someone who has been to a ton of metal shows in his time and been onstage during a handful of them, I’m always interested in someone who can impress me with their onstage movements and gestures. But do the wrong movement, or overdo a normally cool movement, and you will be Chief Douchebag in my mind for the rest of your career, and I will tell everyone not to go to your shows because your band includes Chief Douchebag on the Theremin or whatever retarded instrument you play. So, to keep you from gaining Chief Douchebag status, here is my list of the Six Most Awesome and Obnoxious Metal Stage Moves. And no—throwing the horns isn’t a stage move.

The Six Most Awesome Metal Stage Moves

1) The Invisible Orb Raise hand cupped, as though cradling a spherical object (this is also commonly known as the Invisible Orange). Good for all metal types, but best used along with epic wailing vocals or black-metal screams. See: Dio, George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher, Gaahl.

2) The Ax Murderer Take guitar/bass, turn vertical, and play while peeking around the side and grinning/snarling. Nodding gets extra points. Good for power metal, thrash, and glam rock; bad for black metal and hardcore. See: Glenn Tipton, Matt Heafy.

3) The Mic Scepter Take mic stand and raise it aloft, pumping it into the air with the rhythm of the music. Dancing/battling with the stand is always good. Good for power metal, black metal, arena rock. See: Chuck Billy.

4) The Skinsman Drummer takes drum sticks and holds them triumphantly either in an X-shape or an inverted cross. Good for all types of metal and some types of punk. See: Tommy Lee, Andrew Hernandez of Tombs.

5) The Ostrich Singer puts a foot up on the stage/riser/monitor/whatever, lowers upper body, and puts head between legs while bellow at the top of their lungs. Good for death metal, thrash, hardcore; bad for power metal. See: Grace Perry of Landmine Marathon.

6) The Dimebag Wail, scream, shred, whatever. Then slam fist into chest, point one finger to the sky, throw head back, and scream. Good for any type of music ever. See: Zakk Wylde.

The Six Most Obnoxious Stage Move

1) The Broken Home Curl hands into fists and place them on back of head, clasping the sides of your face with your forearms. Rock back and forth in front of the mic nervously. Exception: Trent Reznor.

2) The Jump-In Wait until your song is either kicking in or climaxing. Jump in the air, pulling both feet up to your chest, so you land on the one. Exception: Zack de la Rocha.

3) The Outdoor Toilet Walk to front of the stage with your instrument. Squat like a bullfrog, legs spread, with your guitar/bass between your splayed thighs. Smile diabolically while doing so (it’s like the Ax Murderer, but with more crotch). Exceptions: Blackie Lawless, anyone in Dimmu Borgir.

4) The Little League Coach During a break in the music, walk up to the front of the stage and clap like a seal at the crowd. Then motion towards yourself with flat hands while mouthing, “C’MAAAAHN!” Exceptions: Jamey Jasta, Ozzy.

5) The Pillar After the song is done, lower your instrument, and cross your arms. Then just stand there, scowling at the crowd, until the next song. Or forever. Exception: Mick Thompson of Slipknot.

6) The George Michael Put one foot up on the PA. Put your hands out at 45-degree angles from your sides like the Virgin Mary, fists clenched. Lean head back and rhythmically bounce your body forward, slightly thrusting your crotch, with each beat. “O-faces” just make it worse. Exception: No one. This shit is beyond miserable.